Attitude Adjustments











{March 17, 2008}   #17-The Monks at Work

the monk

The Monks
Date of Joke: Monday, 17th March, 2008
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years.Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. “We missed the R ! We missed theR ! We missed the R !”His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word was…”CELEBRATE !!!

You have just experienced an attitude adjustment. Smile, and pass it on. Thanks!

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{March 15, 2008}   #16-Sex Education

littleboy

Bad Daddy
Date of Joke: Thursday, 7th December, 2006

One day while Little Johnny and his freind Arnie were playing out in the back yard,they started talking about their dads.

Lil Johnny; My daddy is tougher than yours!

Arnie; No way bud, my daddy is bad!

Lil Johnny; I’m telling you man, my dad is badder than yours.

Arnie; Man, my dad is so bad he took the motor out of his car with his bare hands and threw it on the ground! THATS how bad he is!

Lil Johnny; Man that is pretty bad, but my dad is badder than that! Arnie;Oh yaeh? How’s that?

Lil Johnny;My dad is so bad that he eats light bulbs.

Arnie; Huh? No way. Have you seen him do that?

Lil Johnny; No, but I was passing by him and mom’s bedroom door the other night and heard him tell mom “Turn out that light so I can eat that thing,” THAT’s how bad he is!

You have just experienced an attitude adjustment. Smile, and pass it on. You and your kids might want to view the sex education video, which is no joke.  Thanks!




single lion

SINGLE

married lion

 MARRIED

Divorced lion

DIVORCED

You have just experienced an attitude adjustment. Smile, and pass it on.  Thanks!

 



liberal leader

Liberal / Conservative / Southerner
Date of Joke: Wednesday, 31st March, 2004
Scenario: You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 45 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?Liberal Answer:Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation?Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

Conservative Answer:BANG!

Southerner’s Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click….(sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.Daughter: “Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips??

You have just experienced an attitude adjustment. Smile & pass it on! Thanks!



{March 11, 2008}   #13- Secretarial Position

secretary typing

Secretarial Position
Date of Joke: Thursday, 14th March, 2002
There is an opening for a secretarial position. The man conducting the interviews asks each candidate the same question.“What would you do if you found $100 lying on the floor in the office?”The first one says “I would post a sign saying that some money had been found, and try to find person who lost it.”The second one says “I would lock up the money up in my desk, and if no one claims that they have lost any money, I would keep it.”The third one says “I would turn it over to the building security.”Do you know which woman got the job? The one with the big tits.

You have just experienced an attitude adjustment. Pleasure does help your disposition. Smile, or laugh,  and pass it on! Thanks!


 



{March 10, 2008}   #12- On a Lonely Island

Image PreviewOn a Lonely Island
Date of Joke: Wednesday, 7th February, 2001
A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There’s plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he’s doing alright – but after a few months he gets lonely…The pig starts to look more and more attractive – soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him “Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don’t know how I can ever repay you. I’ll do anything for you, anything, just name it.”The guy thinks for a minute and says, “Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?”

 You have just experienced an attitude adjustment. Smiles cause less wrinkles than frowns. Pleasure does help your disposition. Pass it on! Thanks!



{March 9, 2008}   #11-A Cat in Heaven

green kitt

A Cat in Heaven
Date of Joke: Thursday, 18th October, 2001
A cat shows up at the Pearly gates of heaven.St. Peter says, “I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn’t cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted.”Cat: “Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it.”St. Peter: “That’s easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in.”

Next a group of mice appeared.

St. Peter: “Ah, I remember you! You were such good mice on earth. You didn’t steal food from anyone’s house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted.”

The Chief Mouse replied, “Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate. It was beautiful and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?”

St. Peter: “Granted. You shall have your wish.”

Next day, St. Peter is making rounds inside the Gates and sees the cat.

“Well, Cat…did you enjoy the satin pillow?”

Cat: “Oh, indeed I did. And say….that “Meals-on-Wheels” thing was a nice touch, too!”

You have just experienced an attitude adjustment. Smiles cause less wrinkles than frowns. Pleasure helps your disposition. Pass it on! Thanks!


 



{March 8, 2008}   #10-Weekend Golf

golf tee

Golf Confessional
Date of Joke: Saturday, 8th March, 2008
A man goes to the confessional.“Forgive me father, for I have sinned.””What is your sin, my child?” The priest asks back.”Well,” the man starts, “I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible.”

“When did you do use this awful language?” said the priest.

“I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100yards.”

“Is that when you swore?”

“No, Father.” Said the man. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.”

“Is THAT when you swore?” asked the Father again.

“Well, no.” said the man, “You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”

“Is THAT when you swore?” asked the amazed Priest.

“No, not yet.” The man replied. “As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.”

“Did you swear THEN?” asked the now impatient Priest.

“No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.”

“You missed the f*cking putt, didn’t you?” sighed the Priest.

You have just experienced an attitude adjustment. Smiles cause less wrinkles, frowns cause more. Pleasure does help your disposition. Pass it on.  Thanks!



green boxer shorts

Change of Underwear
Date of Joke: Wednesday, 6th November, 2002

The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the

Sarge announces, “I’ve got good news and bad news. First the good news.

Today we’re going to change our underwear.”The troops started cheering at the

news.“Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy…”

You have just experienced an attitude adjustment. Smiles cause less wrinkles, frown cause more. Pleasure does help your disposition. Pass it on.  Thanks!


 
Soldiers, in training, having some fun in the process by “clearing” the outhouse of any enemy soldiers! God bless the USA!



{March 6, 2008}   #8-On Second Thought

noteethmanwoman

On Second Thought…
Date of Joke: Friday, 25th May, 2001
A young lady stops by her grandmother’s house on the way to a dance. She wants to introduce her boy friend to her grandmother. As they are chatting, her boy friend spies some peanuts on the coffee table. He begins munching on them as they converse.After about an hour, they are getting ready to leave and he thanks the grandmother for her hospitality and especially for the peanuts.”Oh, your welcome young man,” she says. “I appreciate you finishing them up. Ever since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off of them.”

You have just had an attitude adjustment. Smiles cause less wrinkles and frowns cause more. Pleasure helps your disposition. Pass it on. Thanks!



et cetera