Attitude Adjustments











{April 26, 2008}   #25-Tax Rebate

Subject: Tax Rebate
 
This past week President Bush and Congress allowed each one of us would
Get $300.00, it was $800.00 but they dropped it to $300.00 tax rebate.  If We
Spend that money at Wal-Mart, most of the money will go to China.  If We
Spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs. If we spend it on New Computers
all the money will go to India, or Pakistan for tech&nbs! p; support And None
will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America, so the  only way I can see To Keep
that money here at home is drink beer or spend  it on Prostitution;
Those are the only businesses still in the U.S.

From: Cousin Dan 

 

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{March 27, 2008}   #22-The Two Brothers

brothersby Photobucket

2 Brothers
Date of Joke:Tuesday, 16th January, 2001

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians.Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers’ deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.”I have only one condition,” he said. “At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.” The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. “He was an evil man,” he said. “He cheated on his wife and abused his family.” After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with,”But, compared to his brother, he was a saint.”

You have just experienced an attitude adjustment. Smile, and pass it on. Thanks!

 P. S.  This video should be funny to all families with brothers in them.  I loved it!   I have brothers (and sisters) like these.  Funny!



{March 19, 2008}   #19-Becoming Illegal
taxpayerBecoming Illegal
Date of Joke: Sunday, 20th May, 2007
(Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator)The Honorable Tom Harkin
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254
Washington DC, 20510Dear Senator Harkin,As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill’s provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I’m excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine.Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as ‘in-state’ tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver’s license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative.

Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,
Donald Ruppert
Burlington, IA

 You have just experienced an attitude adjustment. Smile, and pass it on.  Thanks!

Please view this video as a tribute to our American Border Patrol Agents and the dangerous job they do to protect our American/Mexico Border! Thanks!



{March 18, 2008}   #18-The Bridge to Hawaii

geniebottle

Bridge To Hawaii
Date of Joke: Thursday, 6th March, 2003
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.The genie said “OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!”The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?”The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete…how much steel!! No-think of another wish.”

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women….know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment….know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say ‘nothing’….know how to make them truly happy….”

The genie said, “You want that bridge two lanes or four?”

You have just had an attitude adjustment. Smile, and pass it on! Thanks!  



{March 17, 2008}   #17-The Monks at Work

the monk

The Monks
Date of Joke: Monday, 17th March, 2008
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years.Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. “We missed the R ! We missed theR ! We missed the R !”His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word was…”CELEBRATE !!!

You have just experienced an attitude adjustment. Smile, and pass it on. Thanks!



{March 15, 2008}   #16-Sex Education

littleboy

Bad Daddy
Date of Joke: Thursday, 7th December, 2006

One day while Little Johnny and his freind Arnie were playing out in the back yard,they started talking about their dads.

Lil Johnny; My daddy is tougher than yours!

Arnie; No way bud, my daddy is bad!

Lil Johnny; I’m telling you man, my dad is badder than yours.

Arnie; Man, my dad is so bad he took the motor out of his car with his bare hands and threw it on the ground! THATS how bad he is!

Lil Johnny; Man that is pretty bad, but my dad is badder than that! Arnie;Oh yaeh? How’s that?

Lil Johnny;My dad is so bad that he eats light bulbs.

Arnie; Huh? No way. Have you seen him do that?

Lil Johnny; No, but I was passing by him and mom’s bedroom door the other night and heard him tell mom “Turn out that light so I can eat that thing,” THAT’s how bad he is!

You have just experienced an attitude adjustment. Smile, and pass it on. You and your kids might want to view the sex education video, which is no joke.  Thanks!




single lion

SINGLE

married lion

 MARRIED

Divorced lion

DIVORCED

You have just experienced an attitude adjustment. Smile, and pass it on.  Thanks!

 



{March 11, 2008}   #13- Secretarial Position

secretary typing

Secretarial Position
Date of Joke: Thursday, 14th March, 2002
There is an opening for a secretarial position. The man conducting the interviews asks each candidate the same question.“What would you do if you found $100 lying on the floor in the office?”The first one says “I would post a sign saying that some money had been found, and try to find person who lost it.”The second one says “I would lock up the money up in my desk, and if no one claims that they have lost any money, I would keep it.”The third one says “I would turn it over to the building security.”Do you know which woman got the job? The one with the big tits.

You have just experienced an attitude adjustment. Pleasure does help your disposition. Smile, or laugh,  and pass it on! Thanks!


 



{March 10, 2008}   #12- On a Lonely Island

Image PreviewOn a Lonely Island
Date of Joke: Wednesday, 7th February, 2001
A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There’s plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he’s doing alright – but after a few months he gets lonely…The pig starts to look more and more attractive – soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him “Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don’t know how I can ever repay you. I’ll do anything for you, anything, just name it.”The guy thinks for a minute and says, “Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?”

 You have just experienced an attitude adjustment. Smiles cause less wrinkles than frowns. Pleasure does help your disposition. Pass it on! Thanks!



{March 9, 2008}   #11-A Cat in Heaven

green kitt

A Cat in Heaven
Date of Joke: Thursday, 18th October, 2001
A cat shows up at the Pearly gates of heaven.St. Peter says, “I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn’t cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted.”Cat: “Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it.”St. Peter: “That’s easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in.”

Next a group of mice appeared.

St. Peter: “Ah, I remember you! You were such good mice on earth. You didn’t steal food from anyone’s house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted.”

The Chief Mouse replied, “Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate. It was beautiful and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?”

St. Peter: “Granted. You shall have your wish.”

Next day, St. Peter is making rounds inside the Gates and sees the cat.

“Well, Cat…did you enjoy the satin pillow?”

Cat: “Oh, indeed I did. And say….that “Meals-on-Wheels” thing was a nice touch, too!”

You have just experienced an attitude adjustment. Smiles cause less wrinkles than frowns. Pleasure helps your disposition. Pass it on! Thanks!


 



et cetera