Attitude Adjustments











{March 17, 2008}   #17-The Monks at Work

the monk

The Monks
Date of Joke: Monday, 17th March, 2008
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years.Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. “We missed the R ! We missed theR ! We missed the R !”His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word was…”CELEBRATE !!!

You have just experienced an attitude adjustment. Smile, and pass it on. Thanks!

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green boxer shorts

Change of Underwear
Date of Joke: Wednesday, 6th November, 2002

The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the

Sarge announces, “I’ve got good news and bad news. First the good news.

Today we’re going to change our underwear.”The troops started cheering at the

news.“Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy…”

You have just experienced an attitude adjustment. Smiles cause less wrinkles, frown cause more. Pleasure does help your disposition. Pass it on.  Thanks!


 
Soldiers, in training, having some fun in the process by “clearing” the outhouse of any enemy soldiers! God bless the USA!



Green PeckerwoodGreen Peckerwood

Date of Joke: Saturday, 27th May, 2006
DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table… no matter how good his manners are. PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

You have just had an attitude adjustment. Smiling causes less wrinkles and frowning causes more.  Pass it on. Thanks!

 This video is posted, with my apologizes to us “rednecks” everywhere!



Shooting Stars Boxersshamrock thongsBUBBA AND THE WALMART TEST An office manager at Walmart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, “What is the fastest thing you know of?”Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, “A THOUGHT.” It just pops into your head.
There’s no warning that it’s on the way; It’s just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of. “That’s very good!” replied the interviewer.

“And now you sir?” he asked the second man Hmm. Let me see. A BLINK! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A blink of an eye is the fastest thing I can think of.” “Excellent!” said the interviewer. “The blink of an eye, that’s very good.”

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. “Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.” The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. “It’s hard to beat the speed of light, “he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed same question. Old Bubba replied, “After hearing the three previous answers, “It’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.” “WHAT!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response. “Oh I can explain.” said Old Bubba. “You see the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s#%$ in my pants.”Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Walmart near you!

From: Beau Covington
You have just had an attitude adjustment! Smiling causes less wrinkles and frowning causes more! Pleasure does help your disposition, pass it on! Thanks!

Walmart Greeter Song



et cetera