Attitude Adjustments











{March 15, 2008}   #16-Sex Education

littleboy

Bad Daddy
Date of Joke: Thursday, 7th December, 2006

One day while Little Johnny and his freind Arnie were playing out in the back yard,they started talking about their dads.

Lil Johnny; My daddy is tougher than yours!

Arnie; No way bud, my daddy is bad!

Lil Johnny; I’m telling you man, my dad is badder than yours.

Arnie; Man, my dad is so bad he took the motor out of his car with his bare hands and threw it on the ground! THATS how bad he is!

Lil Johnny; Man that is pretty bad, but my dad is badder than that! Arnie;Oh yaeh? How’s that?

Lil Johnny;My dad is so bad that he eats light bulbs.

Arnie; Huh? No way. Have you seen him do that?

Lil Johnny; No, but I was passing by him and mom’s bedroom door the other night and heard him tell mom “Turn out that light so I can eat that thing,” THAT’s how bad he is!

You have just experienced an attitude adjustment. Smile, and pass it on. You and your kids might want to view the sex education video, which is no joke.  Thanks!


Advertisements


single lion

SINGLE

married lion

 MARRIED

Divorced lion

DIVORCED

You have just experienced an attitude adjustment. Smile, and pass it on.  Thanks!

 



liberal leader

Liberal / Conservative / Southerner
Date of Joke: Wednesday, 31st March, 2004
Scenario: You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 45 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?Liberal Answer:Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation?Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

Conservative Answer:BANG!

Southerner’s Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click….(sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.Daughter: “Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips??

You have just experienced an attitude adjustment. Smile & pass it on! Thanks!



{March 11, 2008}   #13- Secretarial Position

secretary typing

Secretarial Position
Date of Joke: Thursday, 14th March, 2002
There is an opening for a secretarial position. The man conducting the interviews asks each candidate the same question.“What would you do if you found $100 lying on the floor in the office?”The first one says “I would post a sign saying that some money had been found, and try to find person who lost it.”The second one says “I would lock up the money up in my desk, and if no one claims that they have lost any money, I would keep it.”The third one says “I would turn it over to the building security.”Do you know which woman got the job? The one with the big tits.

You have just experienced an attitude adjustment. Pleasure does help your disposition. Smile, or laugh,  and pass it on! Thanks!


 



{March 8, 2008}   #10-Weekend Golf

golf tee

Golf Confessional
Date of Joke: Saturday, 8th March, 2008
A man goes to the confessional.“Forgive me father, for I have sinned.””What is your sin, my child?” The priest asks back.”Well,” the man starts, “I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible.”

“When did you do use this awful language?” said the priest.

“I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100yards.”

“Is that when you swore?”

“No, Father.” Said the man. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.”

“Is THAT when you swore?” asked the Father again.

“Well, no.” said the man, “You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”

“Is THAT when you swore?” asked the amazed Priest.

“No, not yet.” The man replied. “As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.”

“Did you swear THEN?” asked the now impatient Priest.

“No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.”

“You missed the f*cking putt, didn’t you?” sighed the Priest.

You have just experienced an attitude adjustment. Smiles cause less wrinkles, frowns cause more. Pleasure does help your disposition. Pass it on.  Thanks!



green boxer shorts

Change of Underwear
Date of Joke: Wednesday, 6th November, 2002

The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the

Sarge announces, “I’ve got good news and bad news. First the good news.

Today we’re going to change our underwear.”The troops started cheering at the

news.“Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy…”

You have just experienced an attitude adjustment. Smiles cause less wrinkles, frown cause more. Pleasure does help your disposition. Pass it on.  Thanks!


 
Soldiers, in training, having some fun in the process by “clearing” the outhouse of any enemy soldiers! God bless the USA!



{March 6, 2008}   #8-On Second Thought

noteethmanwoman

On Second Thought…
Date of Joke: Friday, 25th May, 2001
A young lady stops by her grandmother’s house on the way to a dance. She wants to introduce her boy friend to her grandmother. As they are chatting, her boy friend spies some peanuts on the coffee table. He begins munching on them as they converse.After about an hour, they are getting ready to leave and he thanks the grandmother for her hospitality and especially for the peanuts.”Oh, your welcome young man,” she says. “I appreciate you finishing them up. Ever since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off of them.”

You have just had an attitude adjustment. Smiles cause less wrinkles and frowns cause more. Pleasure helps your disposition. Pass it on. Thanks!



Political Cartoon

Politicians Who Run Our Country
Date of Joke: Thursday, 25th December, 2003
Here are some observations about the politicians who run our country. They are from a Washington, D.C.travel agent with 30 years experience. Should we be worried about some of the people running our country?I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.I got a call from a Candidate’s Staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information then she interrupted me with, “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.” Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, “Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.” Her response … (click).A Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, “Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!!!”I got a call from a Lawmakers Wife who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?” I said, “No.” She said, “But they look so close on the map.”An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!A New York lawmaker called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?” I said, “No, why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I checked in, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight. I think that is very rude.” After putting her on hold for a minute while I “looked into it” (I actually was laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

A Senator’s Aide called in inquiring about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”

I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them

A Senator called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?” I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever!!”

A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. “Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”

A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, “I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York” The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” “Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with, “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Rhino anywhere.” The lady retorted, “Oh don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!” The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?” “That’s it! I knew it was a big animal”, she admitted

You have just had an attitude adjustment. Smiles cause less wrinkles and frowns cause more. Pleasure helps your disposition. Pass it on. Thanks!



Joy Stick

Top Ten Signs Your Co-worker is a Hacker
Date of Joke: Wednesday, 18th October, 2006
10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

9. He’s won the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeez” 95 times during the movie “The Net” 4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. Video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among turn-ons

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, “Good Morning, Mr. President.”

1. You hear him murmur, “Let’s see you use that Visa card now, jerk.”

You have just experienced an attitude adjustment. Smiles cause less wrinkles and frowns cause more. Pleasure does help your disposition. Pass it on. Thanks!



Green PeckerwoodGreen Peckerwood

Date of Joke: Saturday, 27th May, 2006
DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table… no matter how good his manners are. PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

You have just had an attitude adjustment. Smiling causes less wrinkles and frowning causes more.  Pass it on. Thanks!

 This video is posted, with my apologizes to us “rednecks” everywhere!



et cetera