Attitude Adjustments











liberal leader

Liberal / Conservative / Southerner
Date of Joke: Wednesday, 31st March, 2004
Scenario: You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 45 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?Liberal Answer:Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation?Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

Conservative Answer:BANG!

Southerner’s Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click….(sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.Daughter: “Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips??

You have just experienced an attitude adjustment. Smile & pass it on! Thanks!

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green boxer shorts

Change of Underwear
Date of Joke: Wednesday, 6th November, 2002

The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the

Sarge announces, “I’ve got good news and bad news. First the good news.

Today we’re going to change our underwear.”The troops started cheering at the

news.“Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy…”

You have just experienced an attitude adjustment. Smiles cause less wrinkles, frown cause more. Pleasure does help your disposition. Pass it on.  Thanks!


 
Soldiers, in training, having some fun in the process by “clearing” the outhouse of any enemy soldiers! God bless the USA!



Green PeckerwoodGreen Peckerwood

Date of Joke: Saturday, 27th May, 2006
DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table… no matter how good his manners are. PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

You have just had an attitude adjustment. Smiling causes less wrinkles and frowning causes more.  Pass it on. Thanks!

 This video is posted, with my apologizes to us “rednecks” everywhere!



{February 29, 2008}   #4-The Suspended Stove

potbellystove

The Suspended Stove

By: acidinterval Published: 02/17/2004
 
An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place… 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, pot- bellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location… it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams.”Fascinating,” said the psychologist. “It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb.””Nonsense!” replied the engineer. “The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin.””With all due respect,” interrupted the theologian, “I’m sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries.”The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue. When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling.His answer was succinct…”Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe.”

(Goofballed)

You have just had an attitude adjustment! Smiling uses less wrinkles and frowning causes them.  Pleasure does help your disposition. Pass it on! Thanks!  

 



et cetera