Attitude Adjustments











{April 19, 2008}   #24-The Wrong Thing To Say

 THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR’

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs …..Smiled and said, ‘He mated 50 times last year.’
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

”THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR’

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, ‘WOW~~That’s more than twice a week! ……….You could learn a lot from him.’
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,

‘THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR’

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
‘That’s once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.’

I looked at her and said,
‘Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.’

My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.



single lion

SINGLE

married lion

 MARRIED

Divorced lion

DIVORCED

You have just experienced an attitude adjustment. Smile, and pass it on.  Thanks!

 



{March 9, 2008}   #11-A Cat in Heaven

green kitt

A Cat in Heaven
Date of Joke: Thursday, 18th October, 2001
A cat shows up at the Pearly gates of heaven.St. Peter says, “I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn’t cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted.”Cat: “Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it.”St. Peter: “That’s easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in.”

Next a group of mice appeared.

St. Peter: “Ah, I remember you! You were such good mice on earth. You didn’t steal food from anyone’s house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted.”

The Chief Mouse replied, “Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate. It was beautiful and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?”

St. Peter: “Granted. You shall have your wish.”

Next day, St. Peter is making rounds inside the Gates and sees the cat.

“Well, Cat…did you enjoy the satin pillow?”

Cat: “Oh, indeed I did. And say….that “Meals-on-Wheels” thing was a nice touch, too!”

You have just experienced an attitude adjustment. Smiles cause less wrinkles than frowns. Pleasure helps your disposition. Pass it on! Thanks!


 



{March 8, 2008}   #10-Weekend Golf

golf tee

Golf Confessional
Date of Joke: Saturday, 8th March, 2008
A man goes to the confessional.“Forgive me father, for I have sinned.””What is your sin, my child?” The priest asks back.”Well,” the man starts, “I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible.”

“When did you do use this awful language?” said the priest.

“I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100yards.”

“Is that when you swore?”

“No, Father.” Said the man. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.”

“Is THAT when you swore?” asked the Father again.

“Well, no.” said the man, “You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”

“Is THAT when you swore?” asked the amazed Priest.

“No, not yet.” The man replied. “As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.”

“Did you swear THEN?” asked the now impatient Priest.

“No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.”

“You missed the f*cking putt, didn’t you?” sighed the Priest.

You have just experienced an attitude adjustment. Smiles cause less wrinkles, frowns cause more. Pleasure does help your disposition. Pass it on.  Thanks!



Green PeckerwoodGreen Peckerwood

Date of Joke: Saturday, 27th May, 2006
DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table… no matter how good his manners are. PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

You have just had an attitude adjustment. Smiling causes less wrinkles and frowning causes more.  Pass it on. Thanks!

 This video is posted, with my apologizes to us “rednecks” everywhere!



{February 29, 2008}   #4-The Suspended Stove

potbellystove

The Suspended Stove

By: acidinterval Published: 02/17/2004
 
An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place… 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, pot- bellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location… it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams.”Fascinating,” said the psychologist. “It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb.””Nonsense!” replied the engineer. “The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin.””With all due respect,” interrupted the theologian, “I’m sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries.”The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue. When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling.His answer was succinct…”Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe.”

(Goofballed)

You have just had an attitude adjustment! Smiling uses less wrinkles and frowning causes them.  Pleasure does help your disposition. Pass it on! Thanks!  

 



{February 28, 2008}   #3-That Parrot Party

parrot cartoonA man received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least, extremely rude

The man tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything that came to mind.

Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, the bird got worse.

He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and exceedingly rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, he put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet.

The man was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto the man’s extended arm and said: “I’m sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I will try to improve my behavior.”

The man was astounded at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, “…May I ask what the chicken did?”  –Author Unknown

You have just had an attitude adjustment! Smiling causes less wrinkles and frowning causes more!  Pleasure does help your disposition, pass it on!  Thanks!



{February 28, 2008}   #2-Bubba Buys a Bra

Bubba BullI ain’t much for shopping,

Or for goin’ into town
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain’t too easily found.

But the day came when I had to go –
I left the kids with Ma.
But ‘fore I left, she asked me,
“Would you pick me up a bra?”

So without thinkin’ I said, “Sure,”
How tough could that job be?
An’ I bent down and kissed her
An’ said, “I’ll be back by three.”

Well, I done the things I needed,
But I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing –
I worked me up a sweat

I walked into the ladies shop
My hat pulled over my eyes,
I didn’t want to take a chance
On bein’ recognized.

I walked up to the sales clerk –
I didn’t hem or haw –
I told that lady right straight out,
“I’m here to buy a bra.”

From behind I heard some snickers,
So I turned around to see
Every woman in that store
Was a’gawkin’ right at me!

“What kind would you be looking for?”
Well, I just scratched my head.
I’d only seen one kind before,
“Thought bras was bras,” I said.

She gave me a disgusted look,
“Well sir, that’s where you’re wrong.
Follow me,” I heard her say,
Like a dog, I tagged along.

She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
I thought my jaw would hit the floor
When I saw that lingerie.

They had all these different styles
That I’d never seen before
I thought I’d go plumb crazy
‘fore I left that women’s store.

They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.

They had bras that made you feel
Like you ain’t wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you’re small.

Well, I finally made my mind up –
Picked a black and lacy one –
I told the lady, “Bag it up,”
And figured I was done.

But then she asked me for the size
I didn’t hesitate
I knew that measurement by heart,
“A six-and-seven-eighths.”

“Six and seven eighths you say?
That really isn’t right.”
“Oh, yes ma’am! I’m real positive –
I measured them last night!”

I thought that she’d go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife’s bust
Was the same as my hat size.

“That’s what I used to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I’m wrong, I’m sorry ma’am.”
This drew another stare.

By now a crowd had gathered
And they all was crackin’ up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.

When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, “Good day.”

My wife had heard the story
‘fore I ever made it home.
She’d talked to fifteen women
Who called her on the phone.

She was still a-laughin’
But by then I didn’t care.
Now she don’t ask and I don’t shop
For women’s underwear.

–Author Unknown

(Provided by Margie @ Issues)

You have just had an attitude adjustment! Smiling causes less wrinkles and frowning causes more! Pleasure does help your disposition, pass it on!  Thanks!

Now, that’s enough “eye candy” for today, guys.  O.K., girls, this is a cartoon joke, remember, don’t get upset. I am a “big” girl and I thought it was funny! Can you imagine the guys parading around for us to, ahem, measure them!  Never happen….Hee..Hee… ROFLMAO!



et cetera