Attitude Adjustments











{February 29, 2008}   #4-The Suspended Stove

potbellystove

The Suspended Stove

By: acidinterval Published: 02/17/2004
 
An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place… 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, pot- bellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location… it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams.”Fascinating,” said the psychologist. “It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb.””Nonsense!” replied the engineer. “The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin.””With all due respect,” interrupted the theologian, “I’m sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries.”The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue. When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling.His answer was succinct…”Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe.”

(Goofballed)

You have just had an attitude adjustment! Smiling uses less wrinkles and frowning causes them.  Pleasure does help your disposition. Pass it on! Thanks!  

 

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{February 28, 2008}   #3-That Parrot Party

parrot cartoonA man received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least, extremely rude

The man tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything that came to mind.

Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, the bird got worse.

He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and exceedingly rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, he put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet.

The man was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto the man’s extended arm and said: “I’m sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I will try to improve my behavior.”

The man was astounded at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, “…May I ask what the chicken did?”  –Author Unknown

You have just had an attitude adjustment! Smiling causes less wrinkles and frowning causes more!  Pleasure does help your disposition, pass it on!  Thanks!



{February 28, 2008}   #2-Bubba Buys a Bra

Bubba BullI ain’t much for shopping,

Or for goin’ into town
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain’t too easily found.

But the day came when I had to go –
I left the kids with Ma.
But ‘fore I left, she asked me,
“Would you pick me up a bra?”

So without thinkin’ I said, “Sure,”
How tough could that job be?
An’ I bent down and kissed her
An’ said, “I’ll be back by three.”

Well, I done the things I needed,
But I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing –
I worked me up a sweat

I walked into the ladies shop
My hat pulled over my eyes,
I didn’t want to take a chance
On bein’ recognized.

I walked up to the sales clerk –
I didn’t hem or haw –
I told that lady right straight out,
“I’m here to buy a bra.”

From behind I heard some snickers,
So I turned around to see
Every woman in that store
Was a’gawkin’ right at me!

“What kind would you be looking for?”
Well, I just scratched my head.
I’d only seen one kind before,
“Thought bras was bras,” I said.

She gave me a disgusted look,
“Well sir, that’s where you’re wrong.
Follow me,” I heard her say,
Like a dog, I tagged along.

She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
I thought my jaw would hit the floor
When I saw that lingerie.

They had all these different styles
That I’d never seen before
I thought I’d go plumb crazy
‘fore I left that women’s store.

They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.

They had bras that made you feel
Like you ain’t wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you’re small.

Well, I finally made my mind up –
Picked a black and lacy one –
I told the lady, “Bag it up,”
And figured I was done.

But then she asked me for the size
I didn’t hesitate
I knew that measurement by heart,
“A six-and-seven-eighths.”

“Six and seven eighths you say?
That really isn’t right.”
“Oh, yes ma’am! I’m real positive –
I measured them last night!”

I thought that she’d go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife’s bust
Was the same as my hat size.

“That’s what I used to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I’m wrong, I’m sorry ma’am.”
This drew another stare.

By now a crowd had gathered
And they all was crackin’ up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.

When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, “Good day.”

My wife had heard the story
‘fore I ever made it home.
She’d talked to fifteen women
Who called her on the phone.

She was still a-laughin’
But by then I didn’t care.
Now she don’t ask and I don’t shop
For women’s underwear.

–Author Unknown

(Provided by Margie @ Issues)

You have just had an attitude adjustment! Smiling causes less wrinkles and frowning causes more! Pleasure does help your disposition, pass it on!  Thanks!

Now, that’s enough “eye candy” for today, guys.  O.K., girls, this is a cartoon joke, remember, don’t get upset. I am a “big” girl and I thought it was funny! Can you imagine the guys parading around for us to, ahem, measure them!  Never happen….Hee..Hee… ROFLMAO!



Shooting Stars Boxersshamrock thongsBUBBA AND THE WALMART TEST An office manager at Walmart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, “What is the fastest thing you know of?”Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, “A THOUGHT.” It just pops into your head.
There’s no warning that it’s on the way; It’s just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of. “That’s very good!” replied the interviewer.

“And now you sir?” he asked the second man Hmm. Let me see. A BLINK! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A blink of an eye is the fastest thing I can think of.” “Excellent!” said the interviewer. “The blink of an eye, that’s very good.”

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. “Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.” The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. “It’s hard to beat the speed of light, “he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed same question. Old Bubba replied, “After hearing the three previous answers, “It’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.” “WHAT!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response. “Oh I can explain.” said Old Bubba. “You see the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s#%$ in my pants.”Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Walmart near you!

From: Beau Covington
You have just had an attitude adjustment! Smiling causes less wrinkles and frowning causes more! Pleasure does help your disposition, pass it on! Thanks!

Walmart Greeter Song



et cetera