Attitude Adjustments

#27-The Pastor’s Business Card

clowncollector — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 19:59:07 +0000

Pastor’s Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house
it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his
repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote “Revelation 3:20″ on the
back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his
card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, “Genesis
3:10.”

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of
laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins “Behold, I stand at the door and
knock.” Genesis 3:10 reads, “I heard your voice in the garden and I was
afraid for I was naked.”

          Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?
                      They still are!   Pass it on-
             “A cheerful heart is good medicine” (Prov. 17:22)

#26 Just Stay: The Marine Son Story

clowncollector — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 19:53:05 +0000

THIS IS NOT A JOKE BUT A HUMAN INTEREST STORY. IT CAN CERTAINLY BE AN ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT AS WELL FOR ALL OF US. THANKS….

Just Stay

A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside.

“Your son is here,” she said to the old man.

She had to repeat the words several times before the patient’s eyes opened.

Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he dimly saw the young uniformed Marine standing outside the oxygen tent. He reached out his hand. The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man’s limp ones, squeezing a message of love and encouragement.

The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside the bed.All through the night the young Marine sat there in the poorly lighted ward, holding the old man’s hand and offering him words of love and strength. Occasionally, the nurse suggested that the Marine move away and rest awhile.
He refused. Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the Marine was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital – the clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff members exchanging greetings, the cries and moans of the other patients.

Now and then she heard him say a few gentle words. The dying man said nothing, only held tightly to his son all through the night.

Along towards dawn, the old man died. The Marine released the now lifeless hand he had been holding and went to tell the nurse. While she did what she had to do, he waited.

Finally, she returned. She started to offer words of sympathy, but the Marine interrupted her.

“Who was that man?” he asked.
The nurse was startled, “He was your father,” she answered.
“No, he wasn’t,” the Marine replied. “I never saw him before in my life.”

“Then why didn’t you say something when I took you to him?”

“I knew right away there had been a mistake,
but I also knew he needed his son, and his
son just wasn’t here.
When I realized that he was too sick to tell
whether or not I was his son,
knowing how much he needed me, I stayed.”

The next time someone needs you … just be there. Stay.
**************
WE ARE NOT HUMAN BEINGS GOING THROUGH A
TEMPORARY SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE.

WE ARE SPIRITUAL BEINGS GOING THROUGH A TEMPORARY
HUMAN EXPERIENCE.
(love this line)

PLEASE PASS THIS ONE ON AND
GOD WILL BLESS YOU!
THIS IS WHAT WE ARE PUT ON THIS EARTH TO DO ANYWAY. RIGHT ?
HAVE A GREAT DAY AND BLESS SOMEONE ELSE IN SOME LITTLE WAY TODAY!
GOD IS SO GOOD.

Start the year

#25-Tax Rebate

clowncollector — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 19:42:24 +0000

Subject: Tax Rebate

This past week President Bush and Congress allowed each one of us would
Get $300.00, it was $800.00 but they dropped it to $300.00 tax rebate. If We
Spend that money at Wal-Mart, most of the money will go to China. If We
Spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs. If we spend it on New Computers
all the money will go to India, or Pakistan for tech&nbs! p; support And None
will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way I can see To Keep
that money here at home is drink beer or spend it on Prostitution;
Those are the only businesses still in the U.S.

From: Cousin Dan

#24-The Wrong Thing To Say

clowncollector — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 14:04:33 +0000

THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR’

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs …..Smiled and said, ‘He mated 50 times last year.’
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

”THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR’

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, ‘WOW~~That’s more than twice a week! ……….You could learn a lot from him.’
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,

‘THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR’

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
‘That’s once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.’

I looked at her and said,
‘Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.’

My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

#23-Up and Down

clowncollector — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 06:47:28 +0000

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, ‘Paw, what’s at?’ The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, ‘Son, I dunno. I ain’t never seen anything like that in my whole life; I ain’t got no idea’r what it is.’ While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small cir cular n umber above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son
…. ‘Boy……………. ..go git cha Momma…………..

#22-The Two Brothers

clowncollector — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 18:32:17 +0000

by Photobucket

2 Brothers
Date of Joke:Tuesday, 16th January, 2001

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians.Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers’ deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.”I have only one condition,” he said. “At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.” The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. “He was an evil man,” he said. “He cheated on his wife and abused his family.” After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with,”But, compared to his brother, he was a saint.”

You have just experienced an attitude adjustment. Smile, and pass it on. Thanks!

P. S. This video should be funny to all families with brothers in them. I loved it! I have brothers (and sisters) like these. Funny!

#21-The Cardiologist’s Funeral

clowncollector — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 17:12:49 +0000

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life..
A huge heart… covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe..

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, ‘I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral………I’m a gynecologist.’

The proctologist fainted.

You have just had an attitude adjustment. Smile and pass it on! Thanks!

#20-Italian Honeymoon

clowncollector — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 04:02:13 +0000

Italian Honeymoon
Date of Joke: Monday, 6th June, 2005

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Cleveland to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said, “Hey Luigi, how wassah de treepa?”

Luigi said, “Everytinga wassah perfecto except for da traina ride down.”"Whadda you mean, Luigi?” asked Giovanni.”Well, we boarda da train at Granna Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she packa bigga basket a food. She broughta vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were looking a forward to da trip. Everytinga wassah okey dokey until we getta hungry and open uppa da luncha basket. The conductore comma by, wagga hissa finger at us an say, “no eat in dissa car. Musta use a dining car.” “So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a bigga luncha and start to open a bottle of nice vino! Conductore walka by again, waga hissa finger and say, “No drinka in dissa car. Musta use a club a car.”

So, we go to club car. “While drinkin vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he wagga hissa finger again and say, “No smokin in dissa car. Musta go to smokin car. We go to smokin car and I smoka my biga cigar.” “Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boomada boomada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at da top of hissa voice, “Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!” “Next time, Ima gonna takea da bus!”

#19-Becoming Illegal

clowncollector — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 16:21:04 +0000

Becoming Illegal
Date of Joke: Sunday, 20th May, 2007

(Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator)The Honorable Tom Harkin
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254
Washington DC, 20510Dear Senator Harkin,As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill’s provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I’m excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine.Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as ‘in-state’ tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver’s license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative.

Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,
Donald Ruppert
Burlington, IA

#18-The Bridge to Hawaii

clowncollector — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 03:24:29 +0000

Bridge To Hawaii
Date of Joke: Thursday, 6th March, 2003

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.The genie said “OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!”The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?”The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete…how much steel!! No-think of another wish.”

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women….know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment….know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say ‘nothing’….know how to make them truly happy….”

The genie said, “You want that bridge two lanes or four?”

You have just had an attitude adjustment. Smile, and pass it on! Thanks!