My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs …..Smiled and said, ‘He mated 50 times last year.’
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
”THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR’
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, ‘WOW~~That’s more than twice a week! ……….You could learn a lot from him.’
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
‘THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR’
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
‘That’s once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.’
I looked at her and said,
‘Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.’
My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, ‘Paw, what’s at?’ The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, ‘Son, I dunno. I ain’t never seen anything like that in my whole life; I ain’t got no idea’r what it is.’ While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small cir cular n umber above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son
…. ‘Boy……………. ..go git cha Momma…………..
Liberal / Conservative / Southerner Date of Joke: Wednesday, 31st March, 2004
Scenario: You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 45 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?Liberal Answer:Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation?Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
Conservative Answer:BANG!
Southerner’s Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click….(sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.Daughter: “Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips??
You have just experienced an attitude adjustment. Smile & pass it on! Thanks!
Secretarial Position Date of Joke: Thursday, 14th March, 2002
There is an opening for a secretarial position. The man conducting the interviews asks each candidate the same question.“What would you do if you found $100 lying on the floor in the office?”The first one says “I would post a sign saying that some money had been found, and try to find person who lost it.”The second one says “I would lock up the money up in my desk, and if no one claims that they have lost any money, I would keep it.”The third one says “I would turn it over to the building security.”Do you know which woman got the job? The one with the big tits.
A Cat in Heaven Date of Joke: Thursday, 18th October, 2001
A cat shows up at the Pearly gates of heaven.St. Peter says, “I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn’t cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted.”Cat: “Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it.”St. Peter: “That’s easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in.”
Next a group of mice appeared.
St. Peter: “Ah, I remember you! You were such good mice on earth. You didn’t steal food from anyone’s house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted.”
The Chief Mouse replied, “Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate. It was beautiful and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?”
St. Peter: “Granted. You shall have your wish.”
Next day, St. Peter is making rounds inside the Gates and sees the cat.
“Well, Cat…did you enjoy the satin pillow?”
Cat: “Oh, indeed I did. And say….that “Meals-on-Wheels” thing was a nice touch, too!”
On Second Thought… Date of Joke: Friday, 25th May, 2001
A young lady stops by her grandmother’s house on the way to a dance. She wants to introduce her boy friend to her grandmother. As they are chatting, her boy friend spies some peanuts on the coffee table. He begins munching on them as they converse.After about an hour, they are getting ready to leave and he thanks the grandmother for her hospitality and especially for the peanuts.”Oh, your welcome young man,” she says. “I appreciate you finishing them up. Ever since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off of them.”
You have just had an attitude adjustment. Smiles cause less wrinkles and frowns cause more. Pleasure helps your disposition. Pass it on. Thanks!
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table… no matter how good his manners are. PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
You have just had an attitude adjustment. Smiling causes less wrinkles and frowning causes more. Pass it on. Thanks!
This video is posted, with my apologizes to us “rednecks” everywhere!
An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place… 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, pot- bellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location… it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams.”Fascinating,” said the psychologist. “It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb.””Nonsense!” replied the engineer. “The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin.””With all due respect,” interrupted the theologian, “I’m sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries.”The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue. When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling.His answer was succinct…”Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe.”
(Goofballed)
You have just had an attitude adjustment! Smiling uses less wrinkles and frowning causes them. Pleasure does help your disposition. Pass it on! Thanks!
A man received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least, extremely rude
The man tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything that came to mind.
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, the bird got worse.
He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and exceedingly rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, he put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet.
The man was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto the man’s extended arm and said: “I’m sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I will try to improve my behavior.”
The man was astounded at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, “…May I ask what the chicken did?” –Author Unknown
You have just had an attitude adjustment! Smiling causes less wrinkles and frowning causes more! Pleasure does help your disposition, pass it on! Thanks!
Or for goin’ into town Except at cattle-shipping time, I ain’t too easily found.
But the day came when I had to go – I left the kids with Ma. But ‘fore I left, she asked me, “Would you pick me up a bra?”
So without thinkin’ I said, “Sure,” How tough could that job be? An’ I bent down and kissed her An’ said, “I’ll be back by three.”
Well, I done the things I needed, But I started to regret Ever offering to buy that thing – I worked me up a sweat
I walked into the ladies shop My hat pulled over my eyes, I didn’t want to take a chance On bein’ recognized.
I walked up to the sales clerk – I didn’t hem or haw – I told that lady right straight out, “I’m here to buy a bra.”
From behind I heard some snickers, So I turned around to see Every woman in that store Was a’gawkin’ right at me!
“What kind would you be looking for?” Well, I just scratched my head. I’d only seen one kind before, “Thought bras was bras,” I said.
She gave me a disgusted look, “Well sir, that’s where you’re wrong. Follow me,” I heard her say, Like a dog, I tagged along.
She took me down this alley Where bras was on display. I thought my jaw would hit the floor When I saw that lingerie.
They had all these different styles That I’d never seen before I thought I’d go plumb crazy ‘fore I left that women’s store.
They had bras you wear for eighteen hours And bras that cross your heart. There was bras that lift and separate, And that was just the start.
They had bras that made you feel Like you ain’t wearing one at all, And bras that you can train in When you start off when you’re small.
Well, I finally made my mind up – Picked a black and lacy one – I told the lady, “Bag it up,” And figured I was done.
But then she asked me for the size I didn’t hesitate I knew that measurement by heart, “A six-and-seven-eighths.”
“Six and seven eighths you say? That really isn’t right.” “Oh, yes ma’am! I’m real positive – I measured them last night!”
I thought that she’d go into shock, Musta took her by surprise When I told her that my wife’s bust Was the same as my hat size.
“That’s what I used to measure with, I figured it was fair, But if I’m wrong, I’m sorry ma’am.” This drew another stare.
By now a crowd had gathered And they all was crackin’ up When the lady asked to see my hat, To measure for the cup.
When she finally had it figured, I gave the gal her pay. Then I turned to leave the store, Tipped my hat and said, “Good day.”
My wife had heard the story ‘fore I ever made it home. She’d talked to fifteen women Who called her on the phone.
She was still a-laughin’ But by then I didn’t care. Now she don’t ask and I don’t shop For women’s underwear.
–Author Unknown
(Provided by Margie @ Issues)
You have just had an attitude adjustment! Smiling causes less wrinkles and frowning causes more! Pleasure does help your disposition, pass it on! Thanks!
Now, that’s enough “eye candy” for today, guys. O.K., girls, this is a cartoon joke, remember, don’t get upset. I am a “big” girl and I thought it was funny! Can you imagine the guys parading around for us to, ahem, measure them! Never happen….Hee..Hee… ROFLMAO!
Attitude Adjustments 
